Reading Notes: Bible Women Part 2
I'm going to continue to try to translate what I can understand from the Bible Women: Reading B, but most likely with humor. I plan on writing my story in a setting similar to reality TV. I never realized just how scandalous the bible is!
Witch of Endor: So Saul is a hypocrite considering he outlawed witchcraft and then goes and uses it. Samuel basically comes up and says hey you may act like your repenting but your heart isn't changing so I am not fooled. Then Saul is pouty and says he's not hungry because he is sad I think? But then the witch cooks up a tasty Shepard's Pie and he is tempted so he eats it and leaves with a full belly.
Bathsheba: I actually do remember this story faintly. So David is a peeping Tom and sees Bathsheba taking a bath (what a creep). He thinks she cute so he gets his boys to go say wassup to her for him. They say she's already got a mans but David doesn't care and gets her pregnant. David then calls up her husband and tells him to go wash his feet or her feet? But he doesn't cause his wife cheated on him. Then her husband dies and David takes the wife and kid for his own.
Esther: She seems like a great gal! The kings takes a special liking to her over all his other ladies. The king decides his wife isn't good enough anymore (rude) and ditches her for Esther. I think I might be misinterpreting this one.
Esther 2: Since Esther is so likable, she is told to go make a king like her so she invites the king and Haman to a party. Esther is so cool that the whole plot to kill all these people is canceled and everyone lives happily ever after? Just kidding.
Esther 3: So Esther tells the king about the plan that Haman has to kill all of her people. The king is like oh no that's bad. Then Haman is like oh no everyone is mad at me. Haman begs Esther for his life. The king orders Haman to be hung. Esther says ya do that! And so Haman gets hung.
Susannah: Susannah is a good girl and really pretty and she's married to Joacim. These two absolute CREEPS lust about her and once they finally admit that they are perverts to eachother, they make a plan to make her sleep with them. When Susannah is trying to relax and shower, the two men ambush her and say if she doesn't sleep with them they're gonna tell everyone that she cheated on her husband with a young dude. Susannah is like, well I am not going to do that cause y'all are DISGUSTING so fine go tell a lie but God knows I didn't do what your saying I did. So the two creeps tell everyone she cheated on her husband and she is sentenced to death but Daniel comes up and is like no that didn't happen these two guys are creeps and made this up and so then the two creeps are sentenced to death.
Mary and Elizabeth: Zacharius and Elizabeth are good God fearing people who are a little old and childless. An angel tells Zach his wife will have a kid that is filled with the spirit. The same angel goes to Mary and tells her she's going to give birth to Jesus. They both praised God that they were able to have children.
Mary and Anna: So Mary and Joseph go to have Jesus. I don't quite understand how Anna fits into this story, it seems to me she is just kind of there.
Herodias: So Herod sends his brother to jail and then steals his brother's wife, Herodias. John the Baptist is like wait no you can't do that. Herodias didn't like that and fought with John. She demands John's head and so they decapitate him and bring his head to Herodias and then the disciples bury him in a tomb. That is.... really messed up.
Martha and Mary: Jesus was with Martha and Mary. A guy in their town was sick and Jesus was like let's go to him (him and the two sisters). Jesus pronounced the man dead but then said he was going to save him and Martha was like yeah I believe you. So Jesus rose him from the dead!
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